Thursday, April 26, 2007

Sometimes Step-Parenting Is Hard

cartoon from

Cartoon by Dave Walker. Find more cartoons you can freely re-use on your blog at We Blog Cartoons.

Have I ever mentioned the fact that I am a step-parent? We are what the textbooks refer to as a ‘blended family’: me and my son, The Husband and his daughter. We look like a perfectly normal family. The children very easily pass for siblings except that that they don’t invest their energy in trying to secretly maim, shame or kill each other. They get on like a house on fire. They are, in fact, great friends and will hug warmly when they come back to our house after a period with ‘the other parents’ (as we quaintly call them.) I have read a lot about step-parenting. Partly for my work with young mothers where step-parenting is becoming the norm, and partly to reassure myself that it really is as difficult as it feels sometimes.

So we look like a perfectly normal family. Except that slightly hidden from view are a variety of relationships that play out in different ways and at different times.

I love my son with an animal instinct. I am convinced that I would lay down my life for him. I would step in front of the bus. Sometimes my husband is jealous.

I love my step-daughter because she is bright, funny, engaging and loveable. And she is my husband’s daughter and I love my husband. Sometimes she challenges me for her father’s love. She always wins. I would hesitate before stepping in front of the bus. I may not step out. I have my child to think of.

I love my husband just because. (I do not intend to get sentimental or shower him with praise. But I really do love him a lot.) However much I love him, I wouldn’t step in front of the bus. I have my child to think of. Sometimes he wants to be number one.

My husband loves his daughter with an animal instinct. He is a fantastic dad, and hasn’t designated his parenting duties to me, as many fathers will do when they meet a new partner. He is mother and father to her when she is with us. He would step in front of the bus. Sometimes I am jealous.

My husband loves me, and I trust that his love is sound. He would not step in front of the bus. He has his child to think of. Sometimes I want to be number one.

My husband loves my son because he is bright, funny, engaging and loveable. And because he loves me. Sometimes son challenges husband for my love. Son always wins. Husband would hesitate before stepping in front of the bus. He has his own child to think of.

Half of the time we are four. But when we are four, we are sometimes two and two. Occasionally we are two and one. Sometimes we are just two. And each has its own dynamic quietly playing out.

It is only right and proper that my son knows he is first in my life. It is only right and proper that my step-daughter knows she is first in her father’s life. That is how it should be for children. It breaks my heart when I work with young mothers who meet a new partner and consistently prioritise him over their children, so desperate are they for another to love them. Parenting books tell us that we should not allow children to ‘come between’ two parents as it gives the child too much power and an illusion of grandeur. Step-parenting books skirt delicately around the issue. We are afraid of naming it. We are afraid of the primal feelings of jealousy, envy, rage and triumphalism.

Sometimes you have to step into someone else's shoes. Sometimes I back my husband into a corner and compel him to talk about it. That is the deal when you marry a therapist. Things get talked about.

We are a happy family. I’m glad we can think the unthinkable.


Mike said...

Just wanted to say thanks for your blog. You moved me to tears today as I am about to create a "blended family". I am in a foundation year of training to be a TA Psychotherapist in Cornwall and I came to your blog via Bobo hits back. I liked your blogs on CBT, it clarified for me several issues around therapy. And the one about the meeting with all the different therapists was hilarious. Thanks again.
PS can you recommend any good books or sites re step parenting?

Anonymous said...

I think at least part of these differences is between those we choose to love and those we can't help but love.

Böbø said...

Please Please Please Ms Mmmmmmm stay away from buses. They are clearly an every present danger }} shudder {{

Or have I missed the point.

Surely you should try and manipulate your children into believing that the "other parent" is a monster and that you were an innocent wounded by their callousness in the divorce. That way you can use them as a pawn to strike cold hearted revenge on your ex as you try to disembowel your child's love for their other parent.

On no, wait, that was just my mum. You keep on being crushably lovely and a good mum.

PS: Mike, glad to have helped.

austin said...

The other day I was growing into an "evil step-mother". My nose grew green, my back hunched and I developed a scary cackle.

Solution to this transformation was a phone call to a very old friend, seeing a good film , followed by a good long heart to heart, warmed by a couple of good reds.

The next day I found myself reorganising teenage step daughter's room. As she is here half the week, her room can get inundated with odds and sods.
The answer to my clean up was that step daughter arrived the next night armed with lots of fav photos to cover her walls with.
All this occurred in a slightly unconscious way but it was all about making space for each other.

It can be very tricky step-parenting and I feel particularly sensitive as I was once a step-child and can feel so many nuances from my own child hood and dread the feelings that I am repeating ancient errors.

JJ said...

That was a really lovely posting.

Buggles Balham High Road said...

This was beautiful to read. I have been 'in those shoes' and can relate to everything you have written. I was pleased that I had some of those thoughts during that time of my life but wish I had been able to read this then.

I am going to copy and paste this into my computer if you don't mind - for my own future reference.

Thank you very much indeed.

Caroline said...

Your honesty always pulls me in.

Love should be able to exist through and over and under a number of unions. It is right that your child has your unconditional love. That is your role as a parent and knowing that you give such love to your son, makes me feel happy. Too many children go through life without parental love and the resulting gaps in self are often too difficult for even a therapist (as talented as you) to fill.

You've got me thinking Ms M. Your words have a simplicity that stimulates.
Hugs x

Reading the Signs said...

Hi Ms M - I used to be a stepdaughter and I'm a stepparent. I used to be, if not bad, certainly quite an indifferent stepmother and I was grateful it was only very part-time. It was only after having my own kids that my heart became stretched enough for me to love my husband's other child. I don't know about busses (there aren't many through my village, thank god) but I do love him dearly. They say that blood is thicker than water - but water has clarity. I love him for himself only.

My part-time stepmother was on her deathbed when she told me she loved me. It came as a surprise to us both.

My mother's current partner would probably like to be the bus driver responsible for knocking me and my sister down. You can't win 'em all.

Lovely post.

Anonymous said...

I agree, another lovely post - I love the way you write, but I have to agree with bobo, I think you are obsessed with buses. Please be careful. Maybe take the train.

sheepish said...

A really thought provoking and beautiful post. Lots of wisdom and I thought the end of motherhood's comment was spot on.

You seem able to explain complicated ideas in a clear and straightforward manner. I can think of several families who could benefit from your words.

Jude said...

You bring clarity to what is, in fact, a minefield. I had such a bad experience as a step-daughter that I think that maybe I couldn't bring another man into my daughters' lives.

It seems easier to live on my own.

anticant said...

If you do ever step in front of a bus, let's hope it avoids you!

Stray said...

and say the unsayable. which is why i love you and your blog so much x

Ms Melancholy said...

Hi Mike, thanks for your lovely comments. Therapy training will certainly help you with managing your interior world, and if I could be so bold as to offer you some advice it would be to brave enough to talk about those feelings that you may feel ashamed or guilty about. They need a bit of airspace if we are to regulate them effectively. BoBo's blog is a great source of info for the TA student, too. I haven't found a great book yet on step parenting (I am so grandiose I have thought about writing the book that doesn't exist.) However, Suzy Hayman has written one that is certainly not bad. Can't remember the title I'm afraid. Do keep commenting. I enjoy the discussions with other counsellors/therapists.

Hey TEOM, I love your comment. That is so true. My son I can't help but love. My stepdaughter I choose to love. There really is a difference, and yet I love them both. Thank you for that.

Hey BoBo, you have no idea how tempting that is. Soooo tempting. But it is WRONG and so I DO NOT DO IT. But it's good to fantasise sometimes.

Oh Austin, I think I know the 'evil step mother' feeling. We do need to make some sense of it, don't we?

Hey jj, thanks! (And you were very brave! :) )

Hi BBHR, of course you may save it. I am flattered.

Hey lovely Caroline, thankyou. Sometimes I worry that I expose too much of myself on this blog, but these are the posts that I really want to write. You know that already, don't you??

Hey Signs, it is just not easy, is it, being a step parent or a step child? Your words have helped me to realise that I need my step daughter to know that I love her, however tricky things are between us sometimes. Thanks.

Hey there Zeddie, good to see you back here. I think I must be obsessed with buses. I promise I will avoid them. And make sure that son avoids them. (Apart from the one that he catches to school every morning, which he can't avoid because that would involve me driving him to school which is not good.) Is that OK? Thanks for visiting again.

Hey Sheepish, thanks so much. And can I take this opportunity to recommend your current 'what is this?' quiz on your blog. I am still squirming!

Ah yes, Jude, that makes a lot of sense to me. It may not be true, but it makes a lot of sense nonetheless. I think we just need to keep talking about this stuff. Do what I do: I pin hubby into a corner with clever psychological manipulation (otherwise known as sulking) until he has no choice but to talk about it.

Hi lovely anticant, hopefully no death-by-bus will be necessary. But I hope it avoids me too. x

Ms Melancholy said...

Hey darling Stray, you snuck in there whilst I was posting. Thank you. Sometimes I worry I say too much. x

Reading the Signs said...

Well come to think of it, Ms M, I have never actually told my stepson I love him. Now that is a thought. Gawd. Maybe it's time I did something too.

The Moon Topples said...

This post is beautiful, Ms. M. Intelligent and warm. Reading this gives me hope for the day when I might become a parent (whether blended or not).

And then in the comments I find even more warmth, touching sentiments from all around.

I love your blog anew.

Janejill said...

Ms M that is both brave and honest, and totally accurate; I still pretend that all my "loves" are equal whereas ther is really no contest; I was widowed when my children were very young and that has made me want to double my love - not possible and not very healthy really, as I now know. If I knew then what I know now....My question is : can one renegotiate and reveal the truth at a fairly late stage?

Anonymous said...

i remember that. then, at some point somewhere between a fracas involving and bb gun and a first drivers licence, you realize that you would , infact, jump in front of a bus for them if that's what it took, because they have become your children too . . .

nmj said...

lovely post, ms m...i was fourteen when my mother remarried (my lovely danish stepdad). lovely as he was/is, i was worried at the time that he would somehow take her away from us (even although we were clearly still her priority)& i would hide in the cupboard and cry, hoping they would find me...he must have sensed my fears cos he wrote me a lovely letter saying he would never take her away or words to that effect. he signed it 'daddy long legs', i still have tears thinking about it. he was the best thing that could have happened to my family.

Badger said...

Thats a really sweet post. It made me smile. I have had 2 mothers and 2 fathers since the age of 4. My step father has no children of his own (well, he does, but he has not seen him in over 8 years, but thats a whole different story!) anyway I believe my step father would step in front of buses for me. In fact I know he would. :) My actual dad might, would depend if there was a pint in it for him.

Us Badgers struggle with roads, I am always seeing one of the groups mother or father sacrificed for the baby badger at the side of the road. Us Badgers are so very brave you know.


Boris said...

I wish I came from a blended family, but my step mum would not allow full contact with my dad. IE she was always there and it was always in a connfined space such as a car! And we weren't allowed to visit his house in case the neighbors saw us and asked awkward questions. She liked to pretend that they were a perfect family.

How times have changed since then. I'm ok with the past, I have had enough therapy on that one, but it does make me happy that separated parents and blended families are now socially acceptable so that the kids can feel secure in their families.

Thanks for sharing MS M


Ms Melancholy said...

Hey Signs :)

Hi anon - I think you are my first ever anonymous poster, you know? Thank you for the comment. It helps to think that might be true one day.

Hey lovely nmj, your step dad sounds like such a lovely, sensitive man. It can't be easy becoming 'dad' to a 14 yr old girl. You always talk about him on your blog with such love.

Hey darling Badger, you are really very brave! And I'll be careful with buses if you be careful near the road.

Hey Boris, so, so sad. Parents really screw up sometimes. x

Ms Melancholy said...

Oh, lovely Mahty Moon, I seem to have scrolled too quickly there. I too am touched by the warmth of people's responses. I sometimes fear that I give too much of myself away, and yet when I do I find that people come back with only openness. Nice to see you again xxx

trousers said...

Yes, sometimes you have to step into someone else's shoes - that's empathy. But you need to be able to step out of them as well and look after yourself otherwise your empathy will burn out quickly.

You know this of course. Your post is full of insight. I'm sure its harder in practice, being only human, but its nice to see your thoughts on this.

Imagine said...

Anon here. Sorry. Didn't mean to be mysterious. My bloggie doesn't match your bloggie. And yeah. It kinda creeps up on you, the love thing. The sons of my heart and the son of my body share all the love that I have. They have had a rather large group of parents. Which was kinda funny a the old t-ball games. We called it post-modern parenting.

Your post was beautiful.

yellowduck said...

Great post. It has given me a lot to think about.

I am still mulling it over (the cogs in a puny duck brain rotate slowly and not always steadily).

But can you really compare the love you feel for your child and your loved one? Would you really hesitate to jump in front of that bus and not save your partner, especially if you are safe in the knowledge that your ex is a capable parent, too? And what if I had a child with my new partner?

So much stuff to think about.

I just think that the new partner would have to accept and learn to love his stepchildren. I saw it with my own parents (who are divorced). My mother's new partner accepted my brother and me as part of the (package) deal. My father has had a string of girlfriends who couldn't do that and he broke up with them in due course.

I think that when sometimes things fall apart it is important to accept the complete reality of it. If you have children, it means not denying their existence or downplaying their importance. They deserve all the love they can get.

But I will stop here. As you see, you have given this little duck lots of stuff to think about. Thank you x

yellowduck said...

Blimey. That really was a long comment. Don't bother reading it beyond the first line. The rest is me just going on and on and on...

Ms Melancholy said...

Hey trews, I agree with you, I think the balance is important. But step parents need to sometimes 'work' on the empathy whereas it comes much more naturally with your own child.

Hi Imagine, good to meet you! I like your phrase 'they have had a rather large group of parents'. I know the feeling! ....and grandparents, and cousins, and aunties and uncles. Our children are blessed with very large families who have all accepted them as their own.

Hey Darling Duckie, don't apologise for long comments. I like it. I do think the love that I hold for my son and my partner are different kinds of love. I really wouldn't want to be tested on the bus thing! And I do love my step daughter, but it remains a different love that I hold for my son. I think these feelings can be taboo, however, and we get into all sorts of difficulties trying to avoid feeling or acknowledging them. I absolutely agree with you that you should totally accept your partner's children as part of the deal. And if you can't, then it should be a deal breaker as it was for your dad. And their reality should be acknowledged too. So we totally agree! Thank goodness for that ;) xxx

Liz said...

Because I'm terribly morbid, sometimes I find myself wondering what I'd do if something happened to my husband (like being hit by a bus) and whether I'd remarry and let someone else have the privilege of being a father to my two sons. I worry that someone wouldn't love them enough deep down. Are we just biologically hard-wired to save the child that's genetically bound to us? Hmm...Very interesting to think about Ms M.

nmj said...

ms m, this is unrelated, allow me!, i know you love morrissey, he is on radio 2 just now 8pm, stuart maconie (sp?) is presenting a prog on can re-listen if you miss it x

Janejill said...

AH well ... but I suppose ..A cigar is just a cigar sometimes..

Stray said...

oh! nmj, that sounds great ... I shall be listening again :)


(sorry to hijack ms m)

l-q-s said...

As someone separated with two children, I was so pleased to read this. My one relationship apres my husband was, for the most part, very good for me but I had huge reservations about his attitude towards my kids.

His opinion, living in the UK, seemed to be that I should move to be closer to him and my kids would adjust because "they're young. Your kids can't dictate what you do with your life." My point was something along the lines of "all their family is in Ireland so I'll be damned if I'll move them away from their normal and happy structure because you can't contemplate leaving your bloody violin clubs." I couldn't understand the (many) people who thought that I should rip up my tender little saplings, bending and possibly damaging their roots to transplant them to another country because my lover, whose two children are grown and gone, was "too old to change his ways."

People really do fucked up things to keep relationships going but I did promise myself that I wouldn't put someone else before the kids. Precisely because I have to make their big life choices for them at this point.

I'm so pleased that you have a strong family, Ms. M. And that there's no ambiguity about your allegiances. I think it must get quite difficult sometimes but I am so touched by how you describe it. Thank you for sharing it with us. :)

Shell said...

what a brilliant post - it set off all sorts of chain reaction thoughts about my last alleged relationship that was, in truth, nothng short of a cuckoo trying to wreck the nest ... that's not really accurate regarding cuckoo behaviour, nor is it meant to typify everything that happens in new relationships, but it gets the meaning over in this case...

i berate myself often for trying to forge an honest relationship that allowed for all of what you describe ... but i think i did more damage than might have happened if i'd just said right from the start, NO - THIS is how it is ...

none of which makes much sense more than likely, but thank you for this post ...

Ms Melancholy said...

Hi Liz,

I worry that someone wouldn't love them enough deep down.

I remember feeling like that. In the end I decided the important thing was that I loved him enough and wouldn't let anything too awful happen to him - and my husband has really learned to love him. Anyway, let's hope you don't have to start making such choices!

Hey nmj, I was out yesterday evening so I will definitely listen again. Thanks so much for thinking of me. This is what I love about blogging....

Hey janejill, yes, good quote from the man himself, but I'm a teeny bit lost as to how it fits?? Maybe I am being slow! That would be quite normal for me on a Sunday.

Hey lqs, mmm, I had this conversation with myself a number of times. I made a different choice and don't regret it, but I do think it's very important to listen to our instinct, whatever other people may tell us. And yes, it isn't always easy being a 'blended' family! Thanks for your lovely comments.

Hi Shell, thanks for commenting - I've seen you over at Caroline's place I think? I think I understand what you mean, if I read a bit between your lines....sometimes we just have to say 'this is how it is', but it is hard, isn't it when we are eager to cement a new relationship? I don't think it has to be a choice. It just feels like that some of the time! Thanks for calling.

Hey Stray honey, please feel free to take over! I have been very busy doing family things all weekend so it's good that you have been keeping an eye on the place x

Janejill said...

Ms M - you ...hiccup.....missed me...hiccup....OUT earlier (just as well My parents didn't separate isnt it...what am I saying.. if only they had. ) I did think it might not have been intentional, hence the cigar bit x

Ms Melancholy said...

Lovely janejill, I fear you have been at the cooking sherry again!! x

Paul said...

Thank God, we don't have to make "Sophie's Choice."
I hope that we can't ever truly predict how we would react in life/death/selflessness situations.
I saw part of a programme at the weekend, about a village in France whose residents collectively, saved the lives of thousands of Jewish children.
I wonder if I would have had the guts to do the same.
I hope I will never have to find out.

The Moon Topples said...

Just popping by to remind you and your readers about the GBA(s)FC #2, which kicks off May 1st over on my blog. Hope to see you there.

Sorry to post off-topic.

Boris said...

R U OK, you have not written a new post for 3 days?

Ms Melancholy said...

Hi there Paul, yes, the 'Sophie's Choice' dilemma doesn't really bear thinking about. I like to think that I would have the courage to protect any child whose life was at risk, not just my own child. But as for sacrificing myself in front of the bus.....I don't know!

Hey Mahty Moon, of course you can post off topic. I will put up a widget for you if you have one? I may even enter myself this time.... :)

Thanks for your concern Boris - as it goes I am not ok. I have just spent an inappropriate amount of time of my 'day off' speaking to British Gas trying to sort out a solicitor's threat to a person who apparently lives at my address (she doesn't, unless hubby has her in the understairs cupboard) for unpaid gas that I haven't used. My account is fully paid up and healthy. This is the THIRD time this has happened in three years, and for a different person each time. I am despairing. Thanks for your concern.

The Moon Topples said...

Ms. M: I would be so delighted if you decided to give it a whirl. And I think you'll find the prompt is something you know something about, although it is still a secret for another eight hours....

Ms Melancholy said...

Ooh, you are teasing me Mr Maht. I may well give it a whirl. Especially if you promise a juicy prompt.

Scott said...

Well said. I have been a step parent for over 18 years. I have not children and had to learn the hard way the distinction you so well pit in your story.
Some of the four have adjusted over time and at least recognize my position but for the most part your story remains intact.

I do not fight for rights I can never have but simply try to work with my wife on issues nhe deems important to her. I suggest to the kids and try to help in ways that will not intrude.
They are still reeling from a bad divorce and still look to get Dad's approval. Approval that he kept away for years. Now that they are grown up he shows som just because it is easier now, or maybe he has turned around. Who knows.
Anyway thanks again you hit the nail on the head. Wish I had you 10 years ago.

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