On Mothers and Daughters....(Part IV)

The Mother is very, very worried about me. The Mother wants me to give up blogging. Blogging, apparently, is very dangerous. Blogging is very dangerous because it involves t'internet, which is populated entirely by terrorists, paedophiles and pornographers.

This latest outburst of maternal concern was prompted by the fact that I told her I had met up with some bloggers. I met these terrorists, paedophiles and pornographers bloggers at Caroline's book launch in Manchester in June. I returned home unscathed. If any of the bloggers who attended Caroline's launch would like to identify which particular category they belong to, however, I would greatly appreciate it.

I also drove in my car today, which statistically puts me at significantly greater risk of harm than writing words which other people sometimes read. But driving does not involve the internet, so that's ok.

So What Are You Up To This Week...?




I predict an uneventful week ahead. Working, pottering, revising for my SATS helping my son to revise for his SATS, tiling the bathroom, blah.

And on Thursday I shall be at Waterstones in Manchester (91, Deansgate) listening to a promising new author read from her brand spanking new work of fiction. She is called Caroline Smailes. Have you heard of her?

Fancy a review of this yet-to-be-launched novel? Just scroll down a bit then: there's one I prepared earlier.

I have booked on a charabanc. Stray is our driver, Badger is in charge of maps and Bobo The Hysteric is providing the in-car entertainment. It is always worth taking an hysteric with you on a long trip. I shall be bringing the picnic. Ms M just loves to feed people. (Whaddya make of that, Dr Freud?) I have heard that lots of bloggers will be there, as well as people who just love books, and even some people who like to write about people who write books. I have heard that there might be room for just a couple more, so long as you are little.

So, like I said, an uneventful week ahead for me.

Cartoon by Dave Walker. Find more cartoons you can freely re-use on your blog at We Blog Cartoons.

In Search Of Adam...

Caroline Smailes has written a novel. I would be surprised if anyone who reads this blog has not come across Caroline's amazing story, of how her unassuming blog launched her beautiful first novel, but in case you haven't you can catch up with her story here.

I read her novel this week. I was blown away. With the story of Jude - a motherless, abused child on a quest to discover her roots - Caroline has produced the most moving piece of fiction I have read in a long time. The subject matter is not for the faint-hearted. Childhood sexual abuse, post-natal depression, self-harm and suicide are not topics that raise one's spirits. The prose, however, will fill your heart with sheer pleasure. Soak up the words. Each one is carefully chosen.

Caroline has beautifully crafted form and style to shape the content. The ‘what’ is presented simply. The ‘how’ is the stunning beauty of the book. The way we meet the book is precisely the way we meet a broken child. With patience, with work, with tolerance. By hearing the voice that lay underneath the words, chilling as those words are.

Jude doesn’t let you get close to her easily. Of course she doesn’t. That is how it is when you are a child abused. She tells you her story in stark, brutal sentences and you have to read between her words to find out who she is. But once you are alongside her, she slowly begins to reveal herself. You have to work hard. That is how it is for children like Jude.

Books can often make me cry. I have read Love In The Time Of Cholera umpteen times and I cry every single time. In Search Of Adam made me cry. I began to weep not at Jude’s story, but the beautiful way in which Caroline allows me to know it. I began to weep at the beauty of the voices within; at the emotion that is held within the words. I had to work to attune to Jude, but once you are attuned Caroline draws you in until you are deeply involved in Jude's reality. This is precisely how I would ‘do therapy’ with Jude. Caroline has the consummate skill of an experienced writer to recreate this process in fiction form.

Caroline is a linguist. She captures Jude's voice beautifully, and through Jude we come to know the world of the grown-ups. As Jude grows, the voices begin to layer and layer until the book is dense with texture and meaning. Her use of language and poetry is exquisite. I was reminded of some of the Anglo-Indian writers: Salman Rushdie, Vikram Seth, Arundhati Roy. Quite some going for a first time novelist.


Caroline will be reading from her novel at Waterstone's in Deansgate, Manchester, on Thursday 14 June at 7pm. Don't miss it. I suspect it's the start of something big.

On Meeting A Stray And A Badger...

My meeting with Stray came via email, following a post about a smear test I seem to recall. It passed without incident.

I met Badger a few weeks later, introduced by Stray via her blog roll. Enjoyable indeed, but still without controversy.

So how I wish I wish I wish I had met them first in the flesh and not the cyber world. As their housemate did. Read it here. And then see if you dare visit them ever again.

PS Not only has Badger won the coveted Post of the Week for her post on Tourette's, but Stray has won the coveted GBA(S)Fiction festival, over at The Moon Topples. Such talent, and all under the one roof.

Congratulations Lovely Badger...

Last week Badger wrote a beautifully evocative piece about living with Tourettes, and the very wise jury at Post of the Week have judged this the best post from a very tough short list this week.

Well done Badger. I am most happy for you indeed. So if you have ever wondered what it is like to have an itch....that is scratched but never eased, then go and read the wise words of Badger.

On Meetings And Ruptures...

Have I ever told you that I live in sleepy little backwater? Maybe just the once or twice? I love where I live. I love being out in the Dales within a half hour’s car drive, walking my imaginary dog or cycling with the children. (I am allergic to proper dogs, but imaginary ones don’t make me sneeze or wheeze.) I love staring at the hills whilst I wash the dishes, and driving up through the mist in the valleys on winter mornings into the glorious sunshine which lights up the hues of green on the moors. I have spent the best part of twenty years living in cities around the country.

But I miss my friends. I miss having people to call on for a chat, or a coffee or a beer on a sunny evening. People who challenge and excite and stimulate me. I have some lovely colleagues who do all of the above, but none of them live near enough for a “let’s pop out for a beer” phone call.

I am astonished to find that blogging is replacing these kinds of friendships for me. Through blogging I have met the most stimulating people. People from all walks of life, who are a constant source of pleasure and surprise.

One of these people I have met in ‘real life’ and is fast becoming a dear friend (hey, BoBo!) Two of them I chat with daily via email or gchat and are fast becoming very dear friends (hey Stray and Caroline!) Many of them I email occasionally for stimulating and interesting discussions (too many to mention…..)

Sometimes it can be hard to make a relationship using only the written word. We rely so much on non verbals to aid our understanding of the other. A tone of voice, a slight look of shyness, a feeling of insecurity that silently passes between us, a teasing smile that indicates I was only joking really. With the written word we have only our words and our unconscious self to play clever tricks on our minds.

I am in my tenth year of working as a therapist. When I first began I wanted to soothe people, in the way that I had been soothed during my dark years by my therapist. But we cannot just soothe. That is not how relationships work. They are full of fractures and misunderstandings and our dear unconscious reminding us silently that people cannot be trusted, do not care for us, will never be there when we really need them. These ruptures form the very basis of the therapeutic process. It is through these fissures that meaning erupts, overwhelming us with its presence until our conscious mind can take a hold and truly make sense of them. I have learned, sometimes very painfully, that the rupture is the heart of the relationship. Whilst close, loving contact is beautiful, it is through the rupture that we really learn to be alongside each other in our painful existential aloneness. A carefully held rupture is an exquisite thing to behold.

We are all forging something new here, in this little blogging world we inhabit. We are learning a new way of making relationships. Friendships that can hold incredible value, but that need tender care at times because the rupture is so much more difficult to hold when we cannot be physically present.

And so to my lovely bloggy friends, and to those I am yet to meet, let’s hold the ruptures with tenderness. They are just as important as the times of meeting

Sometimes I Am Lazy (Part 2)

I am currently gestating a post about CBT and Humanistic psychotherapy (is gestating really a verb?) but I am still feeling as though I have consumed the entire contents of the hotel mini bar lazy after my wild weekend away. So thank you so much to the delightful Bindi for rescuing me with a meme – 5 things I am obsessed with - a cheap and cheerful way of ending a blogging drought if ever there was one. I was reminded that Stray also tagged me some time ago with 5 things you don’t know about me. So to demonstrate my utter laziness I will combine the two of them: 5 things you don’t know about me, which I occasionally obsess about. (I remember, Atyllah, that you also tagged me with a list of most interesting questions whilst I was sunning myself in Spain, which I confess I can’t find anywhere. If ever they turn up I promise I will reply to that one at some lazy point in the future.)

5 things you don’t know about me, which may be deemed ‘obsessions’ if you were to use the concept very loosely:

• I have a weird concept of personal space. If I like you, then I like to touch you when I talk to you and will hug you randomly and without warning. I may kiss you and try to hold your hand. It can be very annoying. If I don’t know you then I require an enormous amount of personal space and get most pissed off if you step into it. I will keep stepping backwards until I have regulated the required distance between us. Please do not follow me. I find it most intrusive. This is not exactly an obsession, but it is something that I am keen on.
• I can get into an inappropriate rage in shops when people give me my change in the wrong way: the wrong way is to put note and/or receipt into my hand and then pile the loose change on top of it, thus making it very difficult to put the money back into my purse as the other hand is usually occupied with a bag containing the items I have just purchased. The correct way is to give me my loose change first, and then allow me to take note and/or receipt between thumb and forefinger. This is the purpose of opposable thumbs. This is definitely an obsession. I have been known to tell people off for doing this, if I am in a particularly intolerant mood. I really do believe that check out assistants should be trained in the correct way to give change to people. Really, I do. I may even write to my local supermarket.
• Perhaps my only true obsession is my bath fetish. I have to end each day laying in a very hot bath. It doesn’t matter how late it is, how tired or drunk I am, whose house I may be staying in or how hot it has been during the day. I read in the bath, I write blog posts in the bath, I do the Guardian crossword in the bath and I have even been known to entertain friends whilst in the bath. (Only very close friends, of course. I am not an exhibitionist.) I went to Central America a few years ago on holiday – hot, humid, sticky, sweaty, tropical heat – and was beside myself that the hotel room had a bath. I bathed every night. The Husband thought I was insane. This leads on to the fact that I…
• …feel the cold terribly and hibernate in winter. Winter evenings see my sitting on the sofa in my thermals, woolly jumper, bed socks, blanket round my shoulders, central heating on and wood-burner blazing. The Husband is usually in his underwear, begging for mercy. I am, therefore, obsessed with heat and sunshine and this in turn translates into many foreign trips a year. I apologise for my carbon footprint. I recycle and drive a very small car in an attempt to compensate. Pathetic, I know.
• I have a secret crush on Stray at Daily Straying. She doesn’t know. So please don’t anybody mention it.

I tag the Lovely Caroline. She has Blogger's Droop and may appreciate the help.

Sometimes I Am Lazy...

I am a very lazy blogger at the moment. And I think I may be having a little bloggy wobble. There are a number of things that I feel I ought to be blogging about, to justify the ‘psychotherapist’ part of the title and not just indulge the ‘confessions’ part.

I really ought to be blogging about the Layard report, which has called for 10,000 more NHS therapists to meet the challenge of our poor emotional well being as a nation. I ought to be blogging about the government’s Skills for Health consultation paper, which is a first attempt at producing National Occupational Standards for psychological therapies. And I ought to be blogging about the UKCP’s excellent response to this consultation exercise.

I really want to blog about the emphasis on Cognitive Behavioural Therapies in the consultation, and the absence of any thoughtful consideration of the very different principles and philosophies of Humanistic Therapies. I want to blog about why CBT is not a panacea, and how the government is in danger of disregarding 70 years of marvellous theoretical developments in Humanistic therapy that have embraced post-modern philosophy and seen sophisticated developments in practice.

But I find that when I get home from work I am tired and my brain is foggy. All I want to do is play Guitar Hero with the children (I have just completed 'More Than A Feeling', level: hard for anyone who is interested.) So instead I blog about things I have seen on TV, tourist induced pavement rage and nice things I do at the weekend. I am sorry for being so lazy. The only other option is to take the word ‘psychotherapist’ out of my blog title and replace it with something else. But I can’t think what.

I go away on Thursday for a few days. Please feel free to chat amongst yourselves and bounce on my bloggy couch. It might be glad to be of use, for once.

I Haven't Won Anything Since That Box Of Maltesers In The School Tombola In 1976...

I have been awarded Post of the Week by the lovely people at, er, Post of the Week. I am disproportionately excited at this news, and will celebrate tonight with a small tot of something or other. It seems only right and proper that I should make a full acceptance speech. If I start to cry and ask God to Bless America, someone please shoot me stop me.

I would firstly like to thank Ulrika-ka-ka-ka for her willingness to share so much of herself on prime time television. So much. (In fact I would suggest to her that she could now stop, if that is not too presumptuous of me.) I must of course thank the talking horse and its owner with the unfeasibly long hair (which is apparently the longest hair in the world. No really, it is.) I couldn’t have done it without them. Thank you to Channel 4, for finding that tiny slither of the sleaze market not yet covered by Channel 5, and filling it so competently. And finally my mother, who continues to contribute so persistently to my world-weariness.

I couldn’t have done it without you.

P.S. A serious thanks to Dandelion for nominating me xxx

Blinking Thoggers Part II....

"I am not really sure what all this 'Thinking Blogger' stuff is about" Ms Melancholy, previous comments.

Caroline came up with this explanation at John Baker's Blog. Read it and weep. Is this what we have come to?

Blinking Thoggers....

I have been tagged by the consistently brilliant Not Saussure, a very sexy Tyger and the divine Charlotte with this 'Thinking Blogger' meme, started by Ilker Yolkas (I think that is his name. It might just be his favourite tipple.) Apparently I now have to tag 5 blogs that 'make me think', and they receive a 'Thinking Blogger' award too. Hooray! Hooray! Except I am too incompetent to work out how to get the award into my side bar, or even how to reproduce it here. Clearly I am not worthy of the 'Thinking Blogger' award so if you would like to withdraw it, Mr Yoldas, I would completely understand. Perhaps you could replace it with a 'Tries Hard, Bless Her' award, or even a 'Could Do Better' sticker? Or how about a hundred lines: I will take these things more seriously in future?

I know there are some dull and poorly written blogs around. But you know, if you don't like them you really don't have to read them. For that same reason I have never read the Da Vinci Code or anything by Marian Keyes. I also avoid soaps, crap sitcoms and the red tops. But I don't deny anyone else their right to indulge. For that reason I shall simply nominate the blogs that I enjoy the most. They do make me think, and they also make me laugh and feel totally OK about saying inane things in their comments box.

Top of my list would have been That's So Pants, but Not Saussure got there first. She has also just given birth to Eraserhead and is feeling poorly-sicky so may not appreciate the tag. Get well soon, lovely Ms Pants. Tyger also got in first with the slightly scary Political Umpire and the delightful YellowDuck, with whom I will be eloping as soon as The Husband gives me the nod. I would have nominated The Periodic Englishman, but he appears to have forsaken me. I am bereft. Pony Boy, please come back.....

So I nominate the lovely Caroline, at In Search Of Adam, for being so willing to share the complexities of her internal world with us all and letting us have a peak at the freakiness that is induced by having your first novel published. I heart you lots, Caroline.

Nmj at Velo-Gubbed Legs is a constant delight, not just for her remarkable capacity to manage illness without self-pity but for her wonderful writing and her ability to swear with the utmost of dignity. Keep that bastard plane in the air, nmj.

Ms Signs, at Reading The Signs for her beautiful words, her poetry and her constant reminders that there is more to this life than mere consumer capitalism.

The wonderful BoBo at BoBo Hits Back for his challenging interpretations of psychotherapy theory. This man is still a trainee, don't you know?

The beautiful Dandelion (pronounced Dand-ee-lyon) at Lonesome Ocean for her frank and honest account of her personal experiences.

And finally, Ms Stray at Daily Straying because I have just discovered her blog and I am loving it. She also makes a very good cup of tea and will milk the local goat if you ask her nicely.

That appears to be six blogs. Have I ever mentioned that I am a compulsive rule-breaker?

Here are the rules, for those of you who like that kind of thing:

1. If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think,
2. Link to this post so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme,
3. Optional: Proudly display the 'Thinking Blogger Award' with a link to the post that you wrote.

PS Can I also add Daniel at In Wild Heaven, because he is an exceptionally clever finance officer who knows more about mental health than any of his CMHT colleagues? And that, I do believe, makes seven.

Shaggy Blog Stories....

It seems a week is a long time in Blogland. Troubled Diva has conceived, compiled and published a book whilst I have been gorging on tapas and churros in rural Spain. And it has come of something of a shock to me to find that I am one of the contributors. So, thank you to whoever nominated me, and a big thank you to Mike for including my post. (I still have no idea which post has been included, but I have a dreadful feeling it may involve me having a smear test.) I guess this is the part where I say please buy the book and all proceeds go to Comic Relief. Or I could just let you read the official press release from Scaryduck.


Order your copy from www.shaggyblogstories.co.uk

Bloggers publish book for Comic Relief.

100 bloggers have published a book to raise funds of the BBC's Comic Relief appeal on Friday 16th March.

'Shaggy Blog Stories' features hilarious contributions from Richard Herring of 'Fist of Fun' fame, BBC 6Music presenter Andrew Collins, comedian Emma Kennedy, and James Henry, scriptwriter from Channel Four's 'The Green Wing'.

Authors Abby Lee, David Belbin, Catherine Sanderson and The Guardian's Anna Pickard have also contributed pieces to the book.

The vast majority of contributions, however, are the work of many of the lesser known and unfamiliar heroes of British blogging; going under pen names such as Diamond Geezer, Scaryduck, Pandemian and Unreliable Witness.

The book is the idea of blogger Mike Atkinson who writes the 'Troubled Diva' weblog. 'Shaggy Blog Stories' features comic writing from not only the cream of British blogging, but also the best up-and-coming and undiscovered writers publishing their work on their own websites.

Giving himself a "ridiculously short" seven days from idea to finished product, Atkinson admitted that he was overwhelmed with the response, which gleaned over 300 submissions for publication.

With a pool of talented writers, and the latest publishing-on-demand technology, Shaggy Blog Stories bypasses the usual snail-paced publishing industry, and offers a mail order service to customers who will receive their finished copy within days of placing their order, and only a couple of weeks after the original idea.

"Blogging creates complex, worldwide networks of friendship and contacts on the internet", says journalist Alistair Coleman, one of Shaggy Blog Stories' contributors. "By creating a buzz about this book, we can reach out to hundreds, thousands of readers who'd be willing to part with a few quid for this very good cause. Mike's got some excellent writers on board here whose work deserves a wider audience. Everybody wins."

For details of how to order the book, visit www.shaggyblogstories.co.uk.

For the background story on the creation of Shaggy Blog Stories, take a look at www.troubled-diva.com.

Is Competition A Necessary Evil? Discuss....

I am sorry to be so demanding of you, but there is more voting to be done over at Leesa's Battle of the Blogs.

You can vote for Ms Signs and me here.

You can vote for Ms Pants, Yellow Ducky and the Lovely Caroline here.

Nmj, Pony Boy and Mr Zhisou are not out - they are just waiting in a field for the naked mud wrestle to start.

Thank you for your patience. Normal service will be resumed shortly.

Battle of the Blogs...

Someone called Leesa is being very public spirited, and has organised a Battle for people who Blog. Its a rather complex voting system, based on something called baseball or basketball (not sure which) which is apparently an American sporting thingy. All you need to know is that you get to vote loads of times. So you can vote here for Ms Pants and Mr Ducky and the Lovely Caroline. You can vote here for Ms Baroque and Mr Zeddie. You can vote here for lots of people that I have never heard of. You can vote here for Signs and The Periodic Englishman. And this is where it gets really difficult because then you have to choose between me or the Lovely Nmj at Velo-Gubbed Legs. One option is that we scrap the contest altogether, and have a naked mud wrestle to decide the winner. Or alternatively, we could all just have a naked mud wrestle. Anwyay, if you decide to vote in the Western Bracket, just keep it under your hat, OK. Nmj and I don't need to know

xxx

More Blogs I Like....

I was going to do a serious post today, but I find that my serious self stayed in bed this morning. So here are a few blogs that I have 'discovered' recently and am enjoying immensely.

La Que Sabe has a personal style that is both inviting and enjoyable, and she always responds to you if you comment which I am finding more and more important as I visit other blogs. Dialogue is a crucial part of blogging, don't you think?

Dandelion has just introduced herself over here, and her blog, Lonesome Ocean is a fascinating insight into the world of polyamory. A well written and stimulating 'personal experience' blog, which I will be visiting regularly from now on.

BoBo Hits Back is another psychotherapy blog, this time from a trainee therapist. Most psychotherapy blogs are extremely dry and impersonal, concentrating purely on theoretical discussion. I can see that therapists might feel the need to maintain a 'professional' stance and not share their personal stuff. But for me, this is the joy of blogging. I can afford to expose the personal side of being a therapist as I remain anonymous, and as long as I behave ethically (ie not discussing individual clients) I don't have a problem with mixing the personal and the professional. BoBo also takes this position and it makes for a funny, informative, well-written and sometimes challenging blog.

Los Angelista's Guide To The Pursuit Of Happiness is another lovely mix of the personal and the political from across the pond. I like the insight it offers into American culture(s) and it is a most enjoyable read.

Days With The Kids is quite a new blog, and although Boris is not blogging frequently I do have a particular soft spot for blokes who write personal style blogs. He describes himself as a 43 yr old whinge bag and works in alternative health care, so he must be a good guy. His blog is funny, political, personal and well-written.

PS. I have taken a couple of blogs off my blog roll because they don't allow comments. The more I blog, the more I think the dynamic nature of it is vital for me. In fact, I don't understand why people would bother to write a blog but not allow people to comment on it. I have made an exception for the eccentric but gorgeous Periodic Englishman, who regularly disables his comments and then hides in other people's blogs waiting to be found. He is surely the uber-commentator of the blogworld, and for that I will forgive his disabling habit.

Daniel Finkelstein And Me...

I am growing rather fond of Daniel Finkelstein, of Comment Central at The Times online. It all started with this post, which was supposed to be a sophisticated comment on the paradox of state funded therapy (societal problems should not be remedied with individual solutions etc.) but which was actually just a spontaneous and barely coherent sound-off about the ludicrous notion of giving women counselling in lieu of an early termination (waiting times for terminations being ridiculously long.) Mr Finkelstein picked up on my question of whether it is ‘the government’s job to help us to manage our emotional response to the world’ in his Web Grab section. I responded in a churlish fashion. I am a Guardian reader, after all, and was disconcerted by the fact that he quoted me directly after a damning piece on Oliver James’ new book, Affluenza, the thrust of which I have much sympathy with. I was secretly pleased with the link, of course, and I suspect Mr Finkelstein was aware that my churlish tongue was at least slightly in my cheek because he has followed this up with another link to this post, which I will be much less churlish about. Except that it follows yet another damning piece on Oliver James’ new book, and I now feel obliged to post in defence of Affluenza, despite the fact that I am not a big fan of Oliver James’ propensity for courting controversy. (Post coming soon, I promise.) I suspect that Mr Finkelstein is teasing me. And because of that, I repeat that I am growing rather fond of him.

Good Deed For The Day...

Nmj has been feeling unwell of late. I suspect this news will bring her a little cheer...hope you feeling better soon, lovely x

Sponsor Miss Tickle...

Miss Tickle is not a slattern, nor a charity case nor a crack addict (as far as I know.) She is an actor trying to raise money quickly for a new production and in a stroke of genius is asking the blog world to 'buy a word'. Find her here.

Moon Topples Great Big Awesome (Short) Fiction Contest

In a spirit of chummy competitiveness, the delightful and talented Mr Moon Topples is hosting a short fiction competition for the blogworld. Visit here for details. (And read his blog whilst you are there. It really is very good.)

The Mystery Is Solved...

Dear Sirs,

I would like to object in the strongest possible terms to your link to my blog. It is most impolite to creep up on somebody after a barely coherent rant on one of her favourite topics, and invite a host of right-wing readers to identify with it. I now feel obliged to defend the liberal sentiment of my position, which will require a new post paying more detailed attention to the internal logic of my argument. I deeply resent this.

Yours Sincerely,

Ms Melancholy.