Saturday, February 24, 2007

There Are Three Types Of Clothes In My Wardrobe:....

…night-clothes, which for me include a collection of Malaysian Kaftans and flannelette pyjamas; going-out-clothes, which are basically anything you would be willing to wear in public, and in-between-clothes, which are those snugly-buggly favourites that you wear around the house but would really prefer not to be seen out in.

I am enormously fond of my in-between-clothes. They mostly consist of jogging bottoms (haven’t jogged for the best part of eight years), old baggy t-shirts and a very embarrassing collection of velour leisure wear. I kid you not. I love that velour is just so tactile, and I like to think that I look like Pammy Anderson in them. (I don’t. I look nothing like her at all. But she went through a period of being papped in velour leisure wear and Ugg boots and I took it as an excuse to delude myself that I don’t look anything other than ridiculous in them.) I am so keen these days to get straight into my in-between-clothes that I start undressing the minute I get through the door. The Husband must think that I have lost my sartorial mind, because he only ever sees me in my in-between outfits. (Occasionally we go out together, and he always looks at me fondly when I am scrubbed up. I must be such a disappointment to him most of the time.)

My in-between-clothes are currently exceeding my going-out-clothes in number, which is something of a worry. And now I have been caught out doing the unthinkable: going outdoors looking like a total loon.

It was Sunday morning, and I was nipping down to my local garage to buy a newspaper. I was wearing a pair of grey velour baggies, and an outsize pink fleece which had seen better days a decade ago. On my feet were my favourite pair of flowery fabric wedgey clogs and a beany hat on my head, as I hadn’t washed my hair. I looked like a bag lady who had forgotten her bags. As I queued for my newspaper I recognised the woman at the side of me, perusing the chocolate. I couldn’t quite place her, but I smiled anyway. She looked embarrassed because she clearly couldn’t place me either. I paid for my Observer and turned to leave, almost bumping into the woman whom I still hadn’t quite placed.

“Oh!” she said, with a look of incredulity. “It’s you!”

I placed her. She was an ex-client. I tried to say “hello” in a breezy and unconcerned way, but I don’t think she was convinced. She looked like she had just discovered the Queen going commando.

Note to self: in-between-clothes are not, and never will be, going-out-clothes.

121 comments:

Caroline said...

*I looked like a bag lady who had forgotten her bags*

Sorry that/but I find this so amusing. My visuals of you change each week. But I shall cherish this one forever and ever and ever.
x

Ms Melancholy said...

I really have no shame at all Caroline. I have never been one of those women who won't leave the house without her make up on - in fact,it's only the past couple of years that I have started wearing lippy on a regular basis - but I fear I am slip-sliding into eccentricity. If you invite me to your launch party I promise I will look quite smart! (And I know you are fond of your pyjamas - you must have in-between-clothes too?)

Miss Tickle said...

I am currently trying to decide whether to throw away a T-shirt I have had since I was 13. It is covered in holes and totally devoid of any shape, but oh! How I love it!

Ms Melancholy said...

Miss Tickle - no no no no no! Not if you love it! This is a very sore point for me at the moment, given the hasty way in which I let my record collection go in the bin. Forget the home-spun psychology of that Life Laundry woman - keep the t-shirt! You love it. It loves you. You feel 13 when you wear it. You must keep it....

nmj said...

Ms M, life would just not be poss without snuggly buggly clothes. Because I spend a lot of time at home resting and pottering, snuggly bugglys are half my wardrobe, and I've been known to go to the Co-op next door in my nightie (with coat on top). But, I own no velour. For me, it's big sweaters and sweatpants. If I'm going further afield, however, I will get properly dressed, as going out in snuggly bugglys reminds me too much of when I was very ill and daywear and nightwear were one. And I always like a dash of lipstick, even for M&S. But lipstick is the only makeup I own. I love that you met an ex-client in your snuggly bugglys. And now I must rescue my kedgeree, I blog when I should be cooking, the problem of having laptop set up in kitchen, I'm not wireless so can't move it. But since I started blogging, I do burn food. It's a shame.

Ms Melancholy said...

Hi again nmj - wireless is both a curse and a blessing. It means I can settle on the sofa with my laptop (indeed, as I am now wearing sweat pants and t-shirt) but that I spend far too much time on t'internet webulator as it is just too convenient. I know that feeling of day-clothes/in-between-clothes getting mixed up. Post natal depression for me. Spent 6 months in the same outfit, although 'outfit' is a grand term for what I was wearing. Sometimes the lipstick is necessary, to make us feel like we are out in the world. Wonder what boys do?

yellowduck said...

We wear slacks and don't shave for days on end and the girls in my household complain when I kiss them.

Sometimes when I go out I spray on extra deoderant or aftershave. No lipstick, though.

Caroline said...

I change into pjs the minute I come in. I take out my contacts and tie up my hair. On days when I work from home, I wear slouch jeans and loose tops with no makeup. However, if yellowduck is reading this, I am always naked. Always ;-) When I go to work, I am smart. I am happiest when I have no makeup on and my hair tied back. I think that pjs for my party would be fabulous.
xx

Caroline said...

Ms M - I have just posted your comment on my new *special* blog. Hope you don't mind.
£45 - my you're a cheap date x

Ms Melancholy said...

However, if yellowduck is reading this, I am always naked. Always ;-

Ohh, Mr Duck - our elopment will be such fun. You with your cheap aftershave, me in my velour and Caroline, apparently naked. (Does Caroline know about the elopment thing? And tyger? And Mrs Duckie? Husband not sure if he wants to come. Thinks it all sounds a bit wierd, for some reason???)

Ms Melancholy said...

Oh, and I am a very cheap date, Caroline. A couple of pints and a bag of chips, and I'm one happy therapist :-)

Caroline said...

You see - my concern with the elopment is that I really do believe that tyger is a tiger and yellow duck is a pink duck and pony boy is a boy pony. To find out that they were real men, well that would be most disturbing!
I think that we will look a funny bunch consuming 2 pints and a bag of chips (with lashings of salt), then running off into the sunset together. And don't forget your ps2, then we can do singstar together!
Oh I am again excited.

Ms Melancholy said...

Can I invite nmj in her sweat pants? And of course the PS2, because I can't cope without guitar hero for long. And you can sing. And tyger can roar, and Ducky can quack and pony boy can take us all for rides. I think I would be most disappointed to find out they were men...

THE PERIODIC ENGLISHMAN said...

Oh no, Mrs LP-Smasher-Upper. There are too many opportunities developing here for me to properly resist. I'm in a bind, however. Sexy when serious, you said. I daren't break the spell with an outpouring of disgrace. Must be serious. Must be serious.

I very much liked the post and am a fan of snuggly bugglys. There. I have control. I am my own master once more.

Farewell,

Pony Boy

Reading the Signs said...

Ms M, this is a subject close to my heart - always thought of myself as Queen of Grunge
till now.

Ms Melancholy said...

Hi,Mr PE. Sexy when serious, yes, but ocassionally funny when not serious. Ducky and I are planning an elopement. Caroline is coming too. Have invited nmj but she doesn't know yet. Do you fancy it?

Reading the Signs said...

Sorry, bit of a cheek, someone just showed me html - couldn't resist.

nmj said...

Thanks for asking me along! Is it an elopement, Ive never eloped before... thing is I'm pretty outgoing & chatty with those I know, but I can be a little aloof & defensive with strangers, so I can only come if PE comes too . . .

Ms Melancholy said...

Hi Ms Signs - I was just reading the post! Wonderful. You are indeed, the Queen of Grunge. I shall wear my velour with pride and think of you. the HTML thing is fab, isn't it? I had some tuition over at nmj's and have over used it ever since. Your post reminded me of a friend of mine who is a hypnotherapist, and just demands that I stop wearing velour pants. Ocassionally I have a session with her, and I am convinced that one day she is going to slip it quietly in to one of our sessions: "Let go of the velour...you do not have to look like a bag lady..."

Ms Melancholy said...

Mr PE - looks like the ball is in your court...

Don't worry about being defensive, nmj. I am a whining control freak, but Ducky hasn't worked it out yet x

nmj said...

Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me but when did PE become Pony Boy???!!! I have missed a link somewhere. I think I know why he is pony boy, but I don't know where he became 'pony boy'. Was it over at Caroline's? I just looked briefly, but there are too many comments to go through! Someone please tell me or I'm not coming to the elopement! I am in the pretend huff and am goin instead to watch that laziest of lazy channels, Channel 4, with another of its dumbass, stupid countdowns, this week, of sex symbols. I had to stop watching it earlier, I was shouting at television.

Ms Melancholy said...

Don't huff, nmj, or I will have to come round with a pot of tea. I seem to recall we were playing blog hide and seek some weeks ago on a very wet sunday afternoon, and Mr PE hid himself as Pony Boy. It just stuck. You must have had something better to do, that day, all though I can't possibly imagine why! Am also watching Channel 4, and not shouting yet but don't expect it to last long.

nmj said...

Thanks, Ms M, just like to be up to date on things . . . am glad Angelina was sexiest person, I was shouting when Simon Cowell was voted no 63 or sth, he is the most non-descript wee man I can think of, but I don't watch Pop Idol/X Factor so I'm not acquainted with his power thing. And Abi Titmuss, please . . . I don't know if Billy Bob Thornton was in the top 100 or not, I hope so... I may need to blog about this tomorrow.

Dandelion said...

I LOVE this post. I have deleted the rest of my comment, because I am not part of your gang. Thanks anyway.

Ms Melancholy said...

Oh Dandelion, everyone is welcome here, and you too can be part of the gang (except there isn't really one...). I dropped by your place, by the way - I shall definitely be back. Very interesting, and I would recommend it to others...

It can be a pain in the arse when you go on someone's blog and none of the comments make any sense, because they are so self-referential can't it? Easy how it happens though, and it's not meant to be exclusive. Just playing out...!

Caroline said...

Pony boy reference was on here sorry to make anyone trawl through my comments.
Can I just leave a comment for nmj, because I am rubbish etc etc?
(I very very much like your blog, but I seem to lurk. Your novel extracts are lyrical and you made me cry)

Thanks Ms M.
x

Ms Melancholy said...

Hi Caroline, I tried to find the pony boy reference but I couldn't, and I found something a bit seedy about trawling my own blog reading all the comments... You are most welcome to chat to nmj here, but she doesn't bite if you want to leave a message at Velo-gubbed too! Are you shy today, Caroline?

nmj said...

Hey Caroline, Glad I made you cry, if you know what I mean, and, thanks, I got your comment over at velo-gubbed! Ms M, I don't think I need PE on the elopement anymore since Caroline is so lovely. I am feeling less defensive already!

Dandelion said...

Thanks Ms M!
It's not that it doesn't make sense, just that I am a newbie here, and I didn't want to gate-crash the lovely party you have going, or get above my station.

Caroline said...

Ms M - I am painfully shy. I know! I know! Feel the irony. I hide behind words. Put me in front of a camera and people and I am silly shy. Sometimes I wonder if I like people. But blogging is different - it allows snippets and insight. I like that I can get to know people before having to have a conversation. Then when we all elope, it'll be like an elopment of lovely friends/animal lovers.

xx

THE PERIODIC ENGLISHMAN said...

Bloody hell. That was quick. Let me get this straight. Dandelion finds the people here weird (I'm with you all the way on that one, Dandelion). NMJ has ditched me, without a backwards glance, and taken up with Caroline. Caroline is always naked (Hi Caroline). You, Melancholia, have been ogling your own blog and yet pretend to find the habit dirty. Duck wears slacks and doesn't bathe. Oh Duck, NO. Miss Tickle is 13 and should really not be exposed to this. And RTS, help us all, is the Queen of Grunge.

Is it at all possible that I may actually come out of this looking good? Or, at the very least, normal?

What a sorry shower of delinquents. I would normally advise therapy for one and all. The nagging fear remains, however, that this may only make maters worse, Ms Melancholy. Get a grip of yourself, Sigmund, and keep your loons in order.

Shocked,

TPE

nmj said...

Caroline, my dear new best friend now that I've dumped PE - I'm with you on this one, I also sometimes wonder if I like people (I like some, I suppose), but I enjoy so much the wee windows we all get from each others' blogs, it is quite thrilling, and though we are serious about serious things, I also like the child-like tendency to play and frolic that it brings out in us.

Caroline said...

nmj (sorry Ms M but we are bonding) you are very wise. The tongue and cheek aspect to blogging makes me smile too. My inner child is most satisfied. You are indeed my newest and bestest friend.

MS M, I am concerned that PE (hi) believes himself 'normal.'
That is indeed a sorry state to be in. I feel that he is consciously excluding what he fears are unacceptable desires. Allow your mind to be free pony boy. Come join me in a naked dance.

THE PERIODIC ENGLISHMAN said...

Ms Melancholy - how much did you say you charged per hour? I feel scared. And I've only gone and lost my clothes and I'm dance typing (v. difficult to execute) and I'm in the field (wireless broadband) and everything is all dizzy and hot and it's February and I have a whip in my hand and I'm falling falling falling and yet feel like I'm touching the stars.

"Stars" is not Irish for "horse". Help.

JustJude said...

Love the post and the comments made for quite hilarious reading. I am quite intrigued by all this elopment talk. It sounds like a veritable farm you will have to elope to.

I have a vision of you, Caroline and nmj in velour sweat pants being foloowed by a trail of ducks and ponies.

Nearly typed hot pants then. Clearly I am getting too carried away.

x

nmj said...

Jeez, I will need to get velour sweat pants specially as I have none! Just Jude, can you tear yourself away from Trevor and come with us?

Reading the Signs said...

What the flaming norah is going on here? Well never mind, as long as you all know that I am the Grunge queen, ok? Har! Today I am wearing my tie-dye purple (not THE purple) trousers with my Oxfam grey lambswool that is so outsize it nearly comes to my knees. I look fetching, though I say it myself. Happy sunday, y'all.

Caroline said...

Oh Jude - please come too. You always have champagne and you can wear the hotpants. This is turning into a tale (of sorts) from a children's storybook.

And PE - I *heart* you lots and lots.
x

Ms Melancholy said...

Jeez, all I do is go out for Sunday lunch and look what happens - nmj has dumped Mr PE in favour of Caroline, poor Dandelion is having a bout of insecurity, Jude thinks we have some kind of animal thing going on, and Mr PE is dancing naked around his field thinking he is normal. Denial, Mr PE, is my bread and butter. Book in now, and we may have you sorted some time in the next couple of years. As for the rest of you - well, just carry on without me. You are doing a fine job of running your own therapy group.

I agree, Caroline and Nmj, that blogging provides a small window on people's lives in an environment that is both intimate and safe. It is quite a unique way to relate with people. I was just saying the exact same to hubby over lunch.

(Had a lovely lunch, by the way - we were served by a chap who has just cycled from Alaska to Tierra del Fuego so we had a wonderful chat about Central America. And I wore some going-out-clothes and hubby thought I looked lovely! Good job too, as I saw another ex-client in the pub. One of the dilemmas of working in a semi-rural environment.)

Ms Melancholy said...

Ooh, Ms Signs, you snuck in there whist I was writing. We are all eloping, although I am not sure if it can be considered an elopement when there are so many involved. It started with me and Mr Yellow Duck, and now everyone wants to come. You are very welcome to come too. But you have to wear your grunge - that is the deal.

Ms Melancholy said...

Oh, and Jude is, apparently, wearing hot pants. Very sexy!

Caroline said...

My therapist of old told me during our first session, that if she saw me outside of our bubble I would be ignored. She said that it was 'best that way.' She later went on to attend my wedding. And she didn't ignore me. She delivered a reading and looked very pretty.

There is a link to the thread ... if you delve.

I'm kind of hanging out here today. Hope you don't mind. Respite of sorts.
x

Ms Melancholy said...

Hey, babe,hang out as much as you like. I am sort of watching the footy with hubby - come on Arsenal! - so will be pottering around here most of the day.

It is a funny dilemma, bumping into clients on the 'outside'. I say that if people want to say hello, then I will say hello back, but it's best not to talk because before you know it you are discussing their sex life in the Tesco's queue and I just don't feel like a therapist when I am in Tesco's. I am really glad she went to your wedding, though. Boundaries are important, and sometimes re-negotiating them is important too. I got quite pissed with my supervisor at conference last year and it was such a great experience. I saw that we share many frailties and insecurities, and that she is still a stunning therapist and supervisor. Being 'cured' is about knowing and accepting our human frailty, not about getting rid of it in my book.

I am going on, aren't I? You will regret saying you want to hang out here today! I may just keep you talking for hours...

Caroline said...

Life is about juggling boundaries. Link to pony boy. I do hope that PE is ok with the naked outside dance thing. Has anyone checked the news?
x

JustJude said...

I'd love to join you all in the elopement, although I am not sure you would want me in hotpants. At this time of year my legs are so pale they are luminous.

When are we going then?

xx

Ms Melancholy said...

Caroline, as far as I know he is still dancing naked with the horses. I can't bear to look. He will pop back in his own time. I think he likes to be elusive, knowing that we will all talk about him all the more if he is not around. I may have to get statcounter as it apparently lets you know who is on your blog in real time. Kind of freaks me out that people might know that. I often log in and then pop off to make a cup of tea, make a phone-call etc etc. So I may lurk there for minutes at a time. I must look like a freaking stalker.

Hi again Jude - Mr Duck is in charge of all elopement activities, but at the moment he has a bout of proper flu (he claims it is not man flu.) And I have a busy week and my son has a sleep-over next Saturday so it might have to be the week after next. Romantic, isn't it?

Caroline said...

I'll pencil it in my diary.
I get paranoid every time I look at my stats - so I've stopped. Too many people reading my words - it freaks me out. Better not knowing. Head in sand. Distraction techniques. I have mastered them all.
x

THE PERIODIC ENGLISHMAN said...

Please don't get statcounter, Melancholy. And if you must, then please don't go public with your findings. I'm just saying.

Have had a totally bingo day dancing naked in the field. Thanks for the "advice" Caroline. Gardai have some further questions, true, but apart from that we're sweet.

This post has made my head spin, Melancholy. Nice one. I'm pretty sure I've had my name dragged through the mud, however, and may need to sort a few people out some time real soon. I just don't know anymore.

Horse made bail.

x

Ms Melancholy said...

Mr PE - although it might look as though your name is being dragged through the mud, in fact you are utterly adored by all of us. Now I didn't say that, OK? And if you repeat it anywhere I may have to kill you.

Kind regards, Ms M

THE PERIODIC ENGLISHMAN said...

xx

Ms Melancholy said...

Oh, and I tried to nominate you for the BOB thingy but it seems like I missed the deadline. A poor defence, I know, but by the time I got the link the deadline had passed. I would've voted for you. Although I will also vote for nmj, Pants, Signs, and Zeddie so I may do what you did at Mr Moon's and fuck up the whole thing. Just wanted to say. x

Caroline said...

I love pony boy very very much. Really I do.
And Ms M there are new awards now - Brit Blog Awards 2007.

http://www.metro.co.uk/yourmetro/article.html?in_article_id=36648&in_page_id=54

I can't do fancy links.

Ms Melancholy said...

Excellent Caroline - now, how many people can I nominate? If it's only one nomination per person, I don't think I shall play.

Caroline said...

No - I've voted for a few so far.
x

mad muthas said...

i'm so with you - i often catch sight of myself in shop windows and think - oh blimey!

Ms Melancholy said...

Hi Mad Muthas - ah, yes, the shop-window dilemma. When you forget that you are not wearing proper clothes and catch sight of yourself. Frightening. My son has just got his first mobile phone, and is taking great pleasure in catching me unawares with the video and then playing it back to me. I was shocked at how old and frazzled I looked. I still think I am 17, a size 10 and sexy cheekbones. Alas, I have not been this for many years. I wrestled him to the floor the other night so that I could delete one. He found it hilarious.

disa said...

the only way to get milk at 10pm is to do it in your pyjamas, sweatshirt and flip flops!

Ms Melancholy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ms Melancholy said...

Hey, Disa - you sound like my type of woman.

Böbø said...

I have seen Pammy Anderson (well, on the telly). And I have seen you Ms MMMMmmmmm.

Hmmm. I think I need to see you in velour to be sure.

(Is there a prize for being the last commentor by months?)

♥x♥

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