Friday, May 11, 2007

On Tit-being-ness...**

I started to watch Obedient Wives on TV this week. Based on the insane ramblings teachings of one Laura Doyle, who wrote The Surrendered Wife, the programme followed the lives of a number of women who have achieved total domestic bliss by handing over control of their lives and their relationships to their husbands. If you have a penchant for being treated like a juvenile domestic slave, then I could see how it might appeal.

It was really, really funny for about three minutes. After that I found that pushing cocktail sticks under my finger nails was more fun. I can’t bring myself to critique it. You know it's pants.

Predictably, it featured a deeply unattractive misogynist who had travelled to Thailand to find a wife, because ‘Thai women know how to treat a man’. That reminded me…..

…..when I first moved back to Yorkshire I made contact with two old school friends, whom I had not seen for 20 years. We met at one of their houses for dinner, partners in tow. A lovely evening ensued, involving copious amounts of wine and fond reminiscing about our school days and how much the old town had changed. I told them that I had driven past The George* – a grubby side street pub famous only for its bar room brawls and after hours drinking.

“It still looks as rough as a bear’s arse” said I, “but it’s now got a Thai restaurant above it. Isn’t that weird?”

Total silence. You’d think that a therapist might have just picked up on something, but no, I ploughed on regardless.

“I expect some ugly fuckwit has bought himself a Thai bride, and tied the poor cow to the kitchen stove” said I.

“Yes” said friend-whom-I-had-not-seen-for-20-years. “Actually, it was my dad.”

Ouch.

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent

**Thank you to the lovely Caroline for coining this phrase.

12 comments:

brumcunian said...

Haha fantastic story. That sounds like the kind of spectacular foot in mouth comment that I myself would cringe at (but be secretly proud of) at the same time. I was initially saddened that this post wasn't about being a human being with tits as my b cup man boobs are a sight to behold. But your story made up for my initial sadness.

For once I'm speechless. I can't think of a comeback. I don't think I have ever put my foot in my mouth quite that spectacularly. Although maybe shouting out 'Brad' when fantasising about Brad Pitt while having sex with my ex wife comes a close second.

Stray said...

Ouch indeed!

I think you'll find that therapists are best off not being over sensitive, or they'd be crippled by the existentialist struggles of the tesco check-out girl.

I'm only guessing, but I imagine that you learn to tune in and out of that frequency - to apply your listening-for-coded-messages skills with 100% focus in your sessions, and to relax into background radiation in between.

That whole aspect of the thai restaurant pub movement hadn't occurred to me. I feel a little naive!

As for surrendered wives - I can't begin to understand it other than as a very extreme form of Sub / Dom acting out!

Sx

Caroline said...

I think people should have to give bullet point notes on things that may offend them but are likely to come up in converstaion. It would make life much easier.

x

lavenderblue said...

HaHa!!
Wonderful.Marvellous.
You said it just right.
What the hell.
Bring it on,MsMelancholy.
I shall enjoy this all day.
Thank you.

trousers said...

Brilliant! Without wishing to sound sadistic, there's something reassuring about finding out other people's "I'll get me coat" moments (foot-in-mouth disease?).

Probably because it makes me feel better about my own. I was, for a few years, chairman of a local arts-in-mental-health organisation, and I seemed to come out with at least one howler at each meeting of the committee. For example I was discussing the effects of disempowerment, and said something along the lines of "imagine going to the chip shop, ordering a large portion of fish chips and peas - and then realising you'd not got any hands to pick them up with."

*A sea of committee faces staring at me wondering what the hell I was talking about*

JJ said...

I loved your foot in mouth story. At my wedding my best friend sat on a table where old friend said 'What's JJ doing now?' and best friend said 'She's working in York at....' 'Interesting,' said old friend 'does she like it?' Best friend was gathering breath to say she worked for awful tyrannical boss and couldn't bear it, when gentleman at table said 'before you answer that, I should tell you I'm her boss.'

Best friend still has nightmares about this because she knows she would NEVER have owned up like gentleman did and would've sat there and listened to a proxy opinion of him!

I'll refrain from mentioning Thai brides and girlfriends since I see the men out here shopping for them too, too often.

Badger said...

Thats a cool story. I put my mouth in my foot just about everyday. I would tell you some of the stories but there are just too many to pick from. Oh dear.

Ms Melancholy said...

Hey Brum, calling your soon-to-be-ex wife Brad, is just about the funniest thing I have heard! Was that your idea of coming out to her?

Hey poorly sicky Stray, I think you are right about tuning in and out of that frequency. I put my foot in it far too often out there in the world for there to be any other explanation. If I was such a clumsy therapist, I would never make a living. Hope you feeling perkier today, hon.

Oh lovely Cas, how good that would be. I put my foot in it at almost every dinner party I ever go to. People invite me now just for their amusement, because they know I will make an idiot of myself with someone or other. Sound familiar??!

Hi Lavenderblue, thank you so much! Plenty more where they came from I'm afraid. Good to see you again x

Hey trousers, yes, that sounds familiar too. I once described social services management as 'the blind leading the blind' in a team meeting for a sensory disability team. Utter howler. 'I'll get me coat' indeed.

Hey jj, god, that could've been really awful! There is a happy ending to the 'thai bride' thing for my friend's 'ugly fuckwit' of a father. His compliant Thai bride has turned out to be a very sassy woman with an astute business mind, who takes no shit from him at all and is busy making her fortune with the full support of my friend. Dad doesn't know what has hit him. Very funny indeed.

Hey lovely Badger, I imagine it's hard to stay cross at a Badger for long though x

Hi

rivergirlie said...

nothing in your education prepares you for a situation like that. i remember going to a hairdresser once - a women with amazing long hair - and i asked her if she'd had long hair when since she was a little girl.
silence falls over the salon
'well, no, because i was a little boy then.'
*mouth opens and closes like goldfish*

That's so pants said...

In a humourless feminist sort of way, I find comic drag quite offensive but even I have to make an exception for Little Britain's Ting Tong.

Ms Melancholy said...

Oh Rivergirlie, fab! Although you couldn't be expected to have sussed that one, and in fact it is quite a compliment to her that you didn't.

Hey Pants, I fear I am still stuck in the humourless feminist stage as far as Little Britain goes. I just don't get it. Should I persevere?

Anonymous said...

I wonder if you won't see your friend for another 20 years hahaha
Big Huge Tits