Thursday, March 01, 2007

This Is A Test Transmission...

Please bear with me whilst I conduct a short experiment:
  • My husband is extremely sexy and a wonderful and thoughtful lover.
  • I love his Thai cooking. I don't at all mind that he uses every pan and utensil in the kitchen - even though Thai is classically one-pot cooking - and then fails to soak them so that the washing up takes me twice as long as it should.
  • He is not untidy. His method is just different to mine* but is equally valid and shouldn't be criticised.
*which is to put things away when you have finished with them.
  • He is not disorganised. I, on the other hand, have an obsessive-compulsive disorder and from now on shall refrain from re-organising the yoghurts in the fridge according to sell-by date.
  • The top of the bedroom chest of drawers is absolutely the correct place to store piles of loose change, large numbers of receipts, credit card bills, cello strings and rosin.
  • I agree that any flat surface is just fair game.
  • I don't at all mind the fact that he pushes the duvet down the bed in the middle of the night and then traps it between his legs, so that I wake up in the morning curled up in a heap at the bottom of the bed in a bid to keep warm.
  • Sitting on the sofa on a Saturday afternoon watching the football results definitely counts as 'work' if you have a child sitting next to you.
  • Haydn's string quartets are infinitely preferable to Amy Winehouse, Ojos de Brujo or anything else you might actually be able to dance to.
  • He can have a free pass for Angelina Jolie, Kate Bush and the woman who works in our local.
  • I forfeit my free pass for Zidane, Robert Carlyle and Howard from Take That, thus promising a life time of monogamy.
The Husband claims that he has never read this blog. This may have something to do with the fact that when I first started writing it I said "I don't want you to read it", because I was feeling a little shy. Since then, however, I have said several times "have you read my blog, yet?" which is woman-speak for "I've changed my mind and you can read it if you like." He tells me that he hasn't. It's not that I don't believe him, just that I want to be sure. And this will surely flush him out if he is lying.

34 comments:

Reading the Signs said...

ms m, congratulations on the first three. The tidiness OCD thing - well (having just replied to you re. temperaments on mine), that is apparently very much a feature of the melancholic temperament - but missing in me and I really could do with a bit of that. It sounds as though you are perfectly matched.

Did you know there is a poem called "please don't make me read your blog"? I came across it just as I was nudging a couple of people in the direction of mine.

That's so pants said...

There are some people I am very sorry I told about my blog. Although I am fairly certain they never read it, I am not sure enough to publicly slag them off in the fashion they so richly deserve.

Boris said...

He sounds like a good catch to me. He has three of the most wanted attributes known to womankind ie he cleans, cooks and fucks. The only thing you don't tell us is the size of his wallet. If big then just get a cleaner/cook and concentrate on the other things he does well.

I think that not ALL flat surfaces are fair game, some should be out of bounds, or there must be a strict time limit on anything put on there, say two weeks max. This would apply to things like the toilet seat for example.

The cooking thing would piss me off though - assuming you are not exagerating just a little tiny bit!

By the way have you considered the possiblity that Mr M has his own anon blog persona? He could be one of your regular commentators. He may even be me!?

Boris (or am I?)

THE PERIODIC ENGLISHMAN said...

Boris has it right, Therapist. Mr Melancholy is very probably a regular contributor to your blog. God alone knows the devillish disguise he chooses for himself - but he is amongst us. I feel it.

Ms Pants - set up an anonymous blog and give the goons a kicking. I'd read it.

Melancholy - I am largely symapathetic. My girlfriend shares many of the "qualities" of your husband. I am a neurotic tyrant and sigh oh so loudly as I clean up her ungodly mess. This can lead to fights. She rarely reads my blog, even though she forced me into it.

Robert Carlyle is attractive. The woman who works in your local, however, isn't.

Cursed Tea said...

This actually strikes me a as a very romantic post! And I'm not one of those singles who looks at marraige with rose tinted envy - I have my own hubby who hogs the duvet too! (and rarely reads my blog!)

Its all the things that are often annoying that I have found over time become an important part of why we love our other halves who don't do things the same as us. Mine is the one with the OCD and I'm the one leaving rosin and strings and things on every available flat surface!! He's a saint (well except when he washes my clothes when they're not even dirty yet!!).

I hope he reads your post!!
cheers
kirsty

la-que-sabe said...

Oh gods NO! Haydn's string quartets are never preferable to anything unless it involves having your teeth drilled. *shudder* I had enough of that kind of thing with The Fiddler. Serves me right for seeing a 63 year old. I hereby draw the line at 50!

Having said that, I rearrange the yoghurt in the fridge too. But that's only so the kids eat the oldest stuff first. And I only do it when I'm putting away the shopping. It's not a daily thing for me. If only I could manage to be as tidy as you and as good with the cooking etc as your husband! I'm resigned to the fact that domestic goddess-ness is, and is likely to remain, firmly out of my reach.

tyger said...

Excellent work MsM.

Of course you could flush him out, only to find him scuttling the woman who works in the local.

One should always think of consequences.

And for the record, watching sports while sat next to a child is defined as baby-sitting, so is definitely work.

Caroline said...

Bravo!
I managed to flush my husband out yesterday. I have awarded myself a gold star. This is a most carrot like lure.
Bravo!
x

Reading the Signs said...

ms m, just to put your mind at rest I have been over to boris's (nice blog too) and I'm sure he's not your husband. Well, almost sure.

Nikhil said...

Noooo, are you sure he reads this?

Gah, I would most definetly use that free "rein" to hit on all the lovely ladies you have just mentioned. Hold on though, isn't britney bald? Does that non-adversely affect your husband's chance at getting her?

Maybe he posted this as another chance at self-promotion to the pretty women reading this blog.

Who knows? Do I need to watch this space or the celeb tabloids?

Ms Melancholy said...

Ms Signs - I hadn't realised that ocd was a feature of the melancholic, but it suits me some of the time. It probably does make us well matched. (Are you reading this, hubby dear?) Please reference the poem. It sounds fab.

Hi Ms Pants - hope your back is better. I know what you mean about telling people. I have told very few, and am mindful that there are many people I wouldn't want to read it. Hence the anonymity. Shame you can't really let rip.

Boris my dear - either you are my husband, or he is paying you to say these things. His wallet is rather small, unfortunately, but I am not money-oriented so that makes for a good match, too. I like the time-limit on the flat surfaces. He never notices. I am the one who clears them once a blue moon, and I can be a martyr for a whole day after. I do martyr quite well. It is not attractive. I have a friend who says to me "I can smell burning: oh, it's just you. Burning martyr." I love her and it is funny. (And if you want to be pedantic, he fucks, cooks and cleans, in that order.)

Pony Boy - do you want to live with me? If someone else wants to be the one with the ocd, I really don't complain. As for hubby being a regular contributor, I highly doubt it. He really isn't interested, which throws up all sorts of internal conflicts for me. Ever the therapist.

Cursed Tea - hi again! I think you may be right. He will never be a tidy ocd type, and I think that's why I love him. He is spontaneous and a bit shambolic and i wouldn't be without it. Thanks for reminding me.

Yes tyger, I see you on the sofa too, with your cute baby tyger pretending to be 'doing childcare'. We see through it, you know. We just indulge you.

LQS - the yoghurt thing makes sense, doesn't it? The new ones go at the back. Then money is not wasted throwing away out of date ones. I'm so glad you agree. I can't get to grips with Haydn, either. Hubby loves him. However, if he could actually play them, I may feel differently. It always sounds a bit twee to me. I prefer Prokofiev or Shostakovitch. A bit of passion and hard edge.

Hi Caroline - I noticed you had got your hubby to comment. Well done! Who cares now that you have drawn Thatcher in the BoB!

Ms Signs (again) - I don't think Boris is my husband. I bloody hope not, anyway, as I told him to swipe his children with a wet fish the other day.

Hi Nikhil, thanks for dropping by. I don't believe I mentioned Britney - she is too plastic for husband, although he is a man so who knows. (Opportunity there for lots of men to raise their voices in dissent. Don't bother. We know it is all a self-important front...)

Liz said...

LOL! My husband and I had a tiff the other night over him not reading my blog. He said he doesn't see why he should read it when he lives with me all the time and knows what I think about and what happens in my day. I am like you in that I initially wanted him to stay away, but now, two years of blogging and he doesn't even know what my blog is called...I suppose it's for the best but now I do wonder if he sneak-reads and just claims he doesn't.

By the way, Amy Winehouse is starting to get popular over here on MTV. Lord help us all.

THE PERIODIC ENGLISHMAN said...

Yes please, Melancholy, I would like that very much. Very much indeed. TOO much.

(sorry Mr Melancholy, Sir, but I find your wife hot)

Ms Melancholy said...

Hi Liz, - I know, I know what you mean! If he were writing a blog there is no way I would not read it, but I am just nosy that way. I do rather think he has better things to do with his time, unfortunately...

Amy Winehouse is utterly fantastic, in my view, but she is definitely a bit unhinged aswell. Her first album, Frank, remains a firm favourite with me.

Ms Melancholy said...

Hey, Pony Boy, you snuck in there. You find me hot. I will definitely have to persuade hubby to read this now. Nothing like a bit of jealousy to keep the romance alive. Hubby - it's over to you....

Calamity Jane said...

Excellent strategy Ms M!

My husband does read my blog but only when I shove my laptop, with the appropriate page selected, under his nose. He hasn't figured out how to find the site on his own yet.

I made up my mind when I started blogging that I wouldn't say anything about someone that I couldn't say to them in person (albeit with a couple of drinks inside me) - email and web entries, just like weeds, have a way of breaking through into the light no matter how much mulch you put down.

Having said all that I do have sweaty palms at the prospect of my mother-in-law and sisters-in-law finding a couple of entries.

Nikhil said...

What exactly is it with partners that they refuse to part with whatever menail labor thet're doing to read your blog? Even after you tie them to the chair? Why do they keep screaming about calling the cops on you? Wy is a butcher knife more persuasive than your voice?

:P

Is there something wrong with asking them to read our blogs? Is this too geeky and they feel they oughta be ashamed of us?

No seriously, they should take more pains to read about us.

Britney spears too fake? too bald? Ah well, who cares as long she has nice voice? Perfect, I say, for moaning excerices. Hope your hubby doesn't pass her up.

nmj said...

Hey Ms M, I think most women would be more likely to read their men's blogs, than men read their women's, it's just the nature of the beasts. And we would analyse every little word, and then reproach him, and ask what he meant by such & such even if the post was entirely innocuous . . . I like Calamity Jane's analogy of weeds and emails, by the way... my friends and family rarely read my blog, it is mostly strangers, and I never refer to anyone by name, so no one is ever truly exposed, the people who know me maybe know who I'm talking about, but the rest of you don't...I would never hurt anyone I know on my blog, and I think I am perhaps the only one whose mother asks for printouts, she is computer phobic, but she loves to see what I've been blogging, but once got slightly upset in the early days, last year (I'd mentioned my dad (he is dead) - stuff that happened 35 years ago), but I explained to her that I'm a writer, I deal with truth, and she was happy enough with that when she thought about it. I think the concept of blogging was so alien to her and that frightened her a little. But now she can't get enough! But there are some things I would never mention, a certain amount of self-disclosure is fine, but, of course, you censor yourself, it's only natural.

yellowduck said...

Are you sure I am not living with you? Or are you perchance also a 32 year old medical student from East Germany with a penchant for organic yoghurt and overcleanliness?

Mrs D does not read my blog. She thinks it's silly. She likes the pictures, though.

Ms M. Are you still cyberspace friends?

Atyllah said...

A good wheeze for attempting to flush out lurking spouses and partners is to ask them, ever so nicely, to contribute to your blog. It's a cunning tactic and known to work. They like to come back and see who's commented. It's that ego thing. Catches 'em every time.

Ms Melancholy said...

Hi CJ - in principle I agree with you about not making comments you wouldn't repeat to their person. But I also like expressing quite private thoughts in a 'public' forum... you have got me thinking a lot about this. Is it just basic narcissism, do you think? Glad to hear your hubby doesn't read yours either - I am feeling entirely normal again!

Hi again Nikhil - I am concerned that you are chanelling Mr PE. Or that he has set up an alternative blog and has been drawn against himself in the BoB. You are clearly a little mad, and therefore more than welcome here.

And we would analyse every little word, and then reproach him, and ask what he meant by such & such even if the post was entirely innocuous .

Nmj - I think you are spot on here. I can picture myself doing just that. And yet Pony Boy and Ducky say that their (female) partners don't bother, so maybe it is not so clearly divided on gender lines. I have told very few people about this blog, and I must admit to feeling quite bemused that one of the people I have told doesn't actually want to read it. It's good to hear that is not an uncommon experience. I want the freedom to write about whatever I choose, and I know that I would censor myself severely if I knew my family were reading it. Having said that, I wouldn't ever want to be hurtful or disrespectful to any of them. It's a fine balance.

Hi Ducky, - good to see you over here again. So Mrs D thinks it's silly? I guess that is precisely what Mr M thinks. He looks at me in bemusement when I am giggling away on my lap top. I insist that there are some extremely informative, intelligent and thought-provoking blogs out there. But he knows that I spend more time laughing than looking stimulated and thoughtful.

You say Ms M. Are you still cyberspace friends? With whom, Mr Ducky? You need to be more precise!

Hi Atyllah - good advice. I tried it. I told him that I had written him a post and that people were waiting for him to contribute. He said 'I'll have a look later tonight - I'm a bit busy right now' (busy on the internet, browsing bookshops or something. Nothing life saving.) That was Thursday, and he still hasn't called by as far as I can tell. So I shall give up with grace and accept the fact that he can't quite see the point.

*big sigh*

yellowduck said...

You and I. Stop milking it. I am seriously worried...

Ms Melancholy said...

Mr Lovely Ducky, why would we not still be cyberfriends? Have you done something that I should know about? Please spill the beans.....( and I will still love you anyway.)

Nikhil said...

To whomesoever it may concern:

I am NOT another alias for the person reffered to as naked pony boy/ pony boy/ PE/ Periodic Englishman/ The Periodic Englishman.

I am Me, suffering from ME.

:P

I secretly hope your husband does indeed run away with britney.
:)

Ms Melancholy said...

Poor nikhil, you must be having an identity crisis with all this talk of you and pony boy. I promise I will stop. (Oh, and by the way, secretly I wish my husband would run away with Britney...)

yellowduck said...

At least that is clear then. Oh, wouldn't *you* like to know about the sordid depths of my innerlife.

My darling partner has just left a comment on my blog, which worries me. I hope this will not become a habit. It would be sooooo embarrassing.

Take it from me, gal, be careful what you wish for....

Ms Melancholy said...

So glad we cleared that up, Lovely Ducky. Whatever that was! I saw Mrs Duck's comment, and whilst that particular one is quite benign I can only imagine how it might be the thin end of the wedge. (Well, it would be in my house, anyway.) I am thinking now that I will just be grateful that hubby doesn't give a stuff for my inane internet ramblings, and I will continue to ramble to my heart's content. Are we still betrothed?

yellowduck said...

Let's take the late train outta here, my precious bride. He got Britney, I got you. ;)

Ms Melancholy said...

You're on, except I have a couple of meetings next week that I don't want to miss, and I have to pick my boy up from a sleep-over tomorrow...and I don't want to leave the house in a mess, so that will take another day. So, I'm looking at week after next?

I am very romantic, though x

yellowduck said...

*Scratches head and wonders why he should want to elope with a woman who is exactly like his current partner*

Ms Melancholy said...

Aah, that is exactly our fate, Lovely Duck. To be enticed by a promise of something new and satisfying, only to be met ultimately with disillusionment. I think it is only fair to disappoint you now, rather than let you find out later. This world of ours promises much, but delivers little when we believe the promises. I suggest you turn to Buddhism.

Calamity Jane said...

Ms M - I do agree that blogs allow one the freedom of anonymity to say things that you wouldn't normally say in company. I certainly like reading everyone's innermost thoughts!

However, anonymity isn't guaranteed and I am continuously mindful of that. One day I hope to be a published author - not with my blog but with a novel or a play. Researchers have a way of finding those skeletons in your closet so why help them by putting it all in the public domain on a blog? You only have to look at what happened to Girl With a One Track Mind (http://girlwithaonetrackmind.blogspot.com/2007/01/three.html) when the press outed her. She wrote what she thought was an anonymous blog but someone managed to join the dots and trace her.

When I write about my friends and family it is usually what I am unable to say to their faces not what I wouldn't say to them, a subtle difference. I am absolutely terrible at being assertive.

My aversion to committing to the written word also stems from bitter experience. A few years ago I wrote a note (it was the pre-email era) to someone I worked with who was on a different shift and therefore we couldn't chat in the normal way. In this letter I was venting about how terrible the last few days had been at work and in doing so I poured invective on several other colleagues and referred to the affairs that several of them were rumoured to be having with each other. This letter was intercepted and got pinned to the canteen noticeboard for all to see, including the talked about parties.

To cut along story short I ended up quittng the job due to sheer embarassment. Hence my decision to keep my truly damning innermost thoughts about people away from pens and keyboards.

mad muthas said...

phew - was afraid you'd become one of them there surrendered wife type people!

Ms Melancholy said...

Hi CJ - I like what you say about differentiating between things you really wouldn't say, and things you would prefer not to say. I don't think I would say anything here that I wouldn't be willing to say to the person's face - but I may not go out of my way to say it to them, if you get my drift. The job things sounds really shitty. Best out of that one.

Hey, MM - heaven forbid! We had a family discussion on xmas day about who was 'head of our household', as father in law said that only the 'HoH' could carve the turkey. We discussed for quite a long time. We really couldn't agree. In the end we appointed my father in law as HoH rather than start divorce proceedings. The kids thought it was hilarious.